The Engagement Ceremony

A few years ago we joined an "Adopt-A-Student" program and gained a delightful "adopted daughter." Vivian* is Malaysian born and studying at one of the local universities. After graduation, Vivian returned to her family's home. Last Saturday, Todd and I were honored by an invitation to their house to witness Vivian’s official engagement ceremony to her long-time boyfriend, Raymond.   

We truly did feel honored, since engagement ceremonies are usually limited to family members and the pastor. We were very curious about the ceremonies. Although they are not legally binding, these ceremonies are very important in Malaysian social culture. Once the official engagement ceremony happens, a break up is very embarrassing and seldom occurs. We discovered that getting engaged in Malaysia is a very different matter from getting engaged in the United States.

In addition to the bride's family members and us, the groom's parents and several other family members were present. Vivian and Raymond spoke only when questioned by older family members. In the past, neither of them would have been present, but customs are changing in these modern times. Raymond's uncle presided over the discussions and ceremonies, and Vivian's father spoke on her behalf.

Vivian's pastor, who will marry them in the wedding ceremony next year, spoke on behalf of the church. The ceremony began with a formal review of the conditions listed in their engagement contract, a document of several pages whose provisions had been worked out in an informal meeting between the parents and their pastor the previous evening. It specified such matters as what gifts would be presented by Raymond and his parents to Vivian during the ceremony, how much the groom's (NOT the bride's) family had agreed to spend on the wedding, and a projected date for that event next year. Also included in the contract were their church's rules for engaged couples.

Some of the rules included: 1) the engaged couple may not hold hands, kiss, engage in sexual intimacy of any kind, or appear in public together without an older chaperon; and 2) should the prospective bride become pregnant before the wedding, the church would refuse to hold the wedding until the couple had appeared before the congregation and publicly confessed their sin to God and apologized for sullying the good name of the church. After all the provisions of the contract had been read and discussed, Vivian and Raymond signed the contract, followed by all the parents, the pastor, Raymond's uncle and Todd as witnesses.

Following the signing of the contract, the groom and his parents presented gifts to the bride. Per tradition, Raymond gave golden jewelry as his gift: a ring, bracelet, necklace and earrings, which he put on her himself. Raymond’s parents then presented Vivian with gifts of clothing and toiletries. Prayers were lifted up; an engagement cake was cut; Vivian’s family served a meal; and photos of everyone present in all sorts of groupings were made. .

Wow, we thought. No wonder getting engaged in Malaysia is such serious business! What was most impressive however, was the sense of mutual accountability displayed throughout the discussions. There was clearly an understanding that the success of Raymond and Vivian's marriage is not only their responsibility, but also the responsibility of their families and their church. They in turn are responsible to their families and church for maintaining purity and good conduct at all times. We liked that.

*All names have been changed to protect the privacy of the local believers. This article was written by career personnel serving in Pacific Rim.

Pacific Rim is a region of the International Mission Board, SBC.