Purpose in Denial

“And Jesus said to him, ‘Truly I say to you, that you yourself this very night, before a cock crows twice, shall three times deny Me.’” Mark 14:30, NAS.

I was the tenth born of a family with eleven children. Growing up I was painfully shy; I sought out solitude, which was not easy with so many brothers and sisters! I didn’t like school work. My father was an alcoholic, and many times growing up I contemplated suicide. While my family was Christian in name, I didn’t learn much about following Jesus until I went to college.

In a small Bible study group sponsored by Intervarsity I learned about salvation. I grew up going to Sunday School, but nobody had ever asked me to personally accept Jesus Christ. Our study group met every week, and I remember sitting in my dorm room thinking about the lessons. On the final lesson I remember reading the question, “If you died tonight do you know where you’d go?” I had to admit that I didn’t know, but I wanted to know, and I decided that I would pray and ask Jesus to settle that question for me forever.

I remember the hope and new perceptions about life that I enjoyed as a new Christian. Yet after I had followed Jesus for a while a deep depression settled on my heart. I found myself unable to handle even minor problems in my life. I did poorly at school, and I blamed God for all my troubles. I decided that following Jesus didn’t work for me, and I quit my faith for a period of six months. I became a practical atheist.

My friends from Bible study did not give up on me. They kept praying for me through my dark time. On a visit home I told my mother, “Starting at this point I don’t want to believe in God.”

My mother wept when I told her, and she said, “Don’t turn away from God. I know your father and I have hurt you. Please forgive us. Don’t hold this pain in your heart.”

I needed to hear that. I had waited all my life to hear that from one of my parents. Looking back on this dark time I now realize that God allowed me to experience the pain of denying Him and all the depression and troubles so that I would face the deep hurts from my past that I had been ignoring. During this time I also realized that I had been doing ministry to get God’s approval. He showed me that His love is not dependent on what I do, or don’t do for Him.

Like the great fisherman, Peter, I know the grace of God that brings complete restoration, even after denying Christ. I know the depths of God’s unconditional love that cares too much to let me bury my painful past, but surfaces it so He can heal it. I am a trophy of God’s amazing grace!

Pray that:

God will use this man to reach many people struggling with painful pasts and depression.

Believers in the Pacific Rim will learn that God’s acceptance is not conditioned on performance, but on His amazing grace.

God will continue to heal broken families in the Pacific Rim.

Pacific Rim is a region of the International Mission Board, SBC.