Vanity to Love

“The proud look of man will be abased, and the loftiness of man will be humbled, and the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.” Isaiah 2:11, NAS.

On the night of October 30, 2004, I opened my notebook for a quiet time with God before going to bed as usual. But after just two lines of reading, my eyes were all tears. I could totally perceive God’s will and mercy with my heart and soul. Those first two lines of a poem were:
 
 “I asked God for power, so I could be successful as I wished
  But all I received were weaknesses, so I could learn to obey…”

I have to admit that I was once a person full of excessive pride. I had too much confidence in my abilities, beliefs, and everything. However, during a Christian camp I recently attended, that attitude completely changed. I was left with a void in my heart as if everything in my life had tumbled back into soil; the mud and dust that God used to form human beings. I felt worthless. My whole life was meaningless.

What happened seventy-two hours earlier was as followed. I almost did not prepare myself memorizing required verses needed for the camp because one of them was Galatians 5:19-23. It was too hard for me and I almost gave up. Anyway, I prayed to God for His guidance. Then, I saw the book “Power for Living” in the corner of my eye. I had just received the free book that day, so I picked it up and started reading it eagerly. As my eyes moved toward the end of its preface, it read:

 “But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles. (Isaiah 40:3)”

By coincidence, I happened to remember that this was the favorite verse that Mark Jordan, a pastor from Virginia, who had accompanied me on a trip to Ayuddhaya a few months earlier. . However, I recalled that he had said the verse was 40:31. So, I looked it up and found that there was a printing mistake in  the Thai version of “Power for Living.,” . That little error encouraged me to start memorizing Galatians 5:19-23. I did not want to make wrong references when giving testimony to people, so I prayed again for His help to bury those verses deep into my heart. Amazingly, I memorized Galatians 5:19-23, Philippians 4:8, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, and James 3:17-18, all in less than fifteen minutes. The first thing I did when I opened my eyes the next morning was to recite those verses, and I did not miss a word.

Unfortunately that gratefulness did not stay in my consciousness too long. During the very first activity at camp, my vanity regained its control. That activity was to repeat the Galatians verses to other group members. And, yes, I did so without a single mistake. I was so proud of myself.

Later that night we had a lesson on pride, one of the seven deadly sins. The instructor said the four characteristics of pride were: 1) Those who thought that they were more important than others, which could be caused by wealth, beauty, talent, or education; 2) Those who deprive honor from God; 3) Those who often drew attention to other people’s mistakes or weaknesses, but always had excuses for their own; and 4) Those who couldn’t take criticism or reprimand from others.

Disgracefully, I was a little bit of all of them. And, the one that I felt most guilty of was the second one. I had deprived honor from God that morning. Had it not been for the inspiration I had received from the Lord, I probably would not have memorized those verses the night before. Had it not been for the Lord’s mercy, there was no way that those verses could have been buried deep in my heart.

“Who made you superior to others? Didn’t God give you everything you have? Well, then, how can you boast, as if what you have were not a gift?” – 1 Corinthians 4:7

We learned that the only remedy for vanity was a sense of insignificance. Humility is the only cure. Before going to bed that night, I recalled what I had done and learned during the course of the day.

“But by God’s grace I am what I am…” – 1 Corinthians 15:10
“…As the scripture says, ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” – James 4:6

The next day I awoke with quite a peaceful mind. Today had been set as the day of my baptism. But within the next three hours, I was approaching the lowest point of my life. The first lesson of the second day was to concentrate our feelings on God. We had to think of our own feelings when we loved someone so much or that we got from someone who loved us so much. Then, we were to compare that feeling to God’s Love and to keep focusing on the love that we got from our Lord. Whoever could concentrate on that feeling, then opened their eyes and read the three verses  on the screen in the front.

I might be the only person who did not open his eyes during that activity. So, I did not get to read those verses. I just could not concentrate on that feeling at all. Almost there, almost there, but it was like something was holding me back. I thought of all the love I had had in my life. But, for each one, something was telling me, “No, that’s not love.” For each one of them, my love had never been patient or kind enough. Not even the love I got from my parents. I never thought their love was absolute. Their love always lacked understanding. I had always had a hole in my heart, a deep one. Then, a question from someone in the past popped up in my mind. She asked me if I ever really loved somebody. My answer to her was yes. But, at that moment, I thought maybe she was right. I had never really loved anyone. Not in the absolute sense of love. And I never felt that unconditional love from anyone, either.

I did not have a good relationship with my father. He never showed us love, affection, or tenderness, but always led his family with authoritarianism. As a result, we had never expressed love in our family. And I could not express my love to him, even when he was half-paralyzed and needed a lot of love and encouragement from us.

During a short break after that activity, I went out for a poolside walk. . I felt terrible. Why did I not know how to really love someone? Why had I never experienced a perfect love in my life? I tried to rationalize everything. Then, I saw some kids playing a game beside the pool.  Two of them were arguing about who found a certain object first. One of them claimed she saw it first, but the other girl took it away from her. Then, an influx of scenes from my childhood memory started to play in the back of my mind.

I realized how I had built layer after layer of protective covering for myself. To compensate for the lack of parental affection, I tried to stand out among kids in the neighborhood as the best student. All my life, I had built countless shells for myself and loaded them on my back. I had grown into one conceited adult. So, I prayed to God asking him to help me feel His perfect love, the only absolute love, no matter what price I had to pay.

Back in the seminar, we were asked to sing songs of praise while still concentrating on feeling God’s love. All I had inside was rage. The more I saw people becoming emotional over God’s love, the more resentment I felt. Why did others become touched and moved by God’s love? Why could I not feel anything? Then, gradually, the enchanting songs started to intrude. Tears welled up in my eyes, but the feeling of resistance became even more intense. “If I abandon the identity that I have accumulated for all thirty years of my life now, then what will become of me?” I thought. My tears suddenly dried up, and my face hardened. No voice came out of my mouth. My lips shut tight the whole time, though I usually loved singing. God finally penetrated my defenses during the last song. As everyone sang, “Jesus had redeemed my life,” my eyes started to well up and I finally cried.

Then, in my subconscious perception, I heard:

 “Everything is meaningless. Watch every step you take. Let go of everything that came your way. Accomplishments in the past do not have today’s value. The same applies to all the woes in your life. There were times we made certain mistakes in our past. There will be times we start our life anew today and tomorrow. Let go of all things that came. We can restart from ground zero. And, I will keep an eye on you. Only you walk the righteous path.”

I am so grateful to the Lord for helping me realize that the perfect love I have never gotten from my father was offered to me by God, so I could love Him today with all I have.

“…Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as you love yourself.” – Luke 10:27
 
I always thank God for the weakness he gave me before my baptism. God did something similar when I came to know God for the first time. Around the beginning of March 2004, I dislocated my shoulder all alone in my bedroom. Nobody was around. I struggled for about half an hour, and the three little Buddha’s figures I had around my neck could not help me. Then, something inspired me to think of God. I prayed for help in Jesus’ Name and in a matter of seconds after my prayer, I heard a popping sound. God answered me. It was a miracle. I raised my arm in amazement. Three weeks later I became a Christian.

 “…I asked God for authority, so I would get admired by people
 But all I received were weaknesses, so I could feel that I needed God…”
 
Now I spend everyday of my life sharing God’s love with people around me. “For the whole Law is summed up in one commandment: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’” Amen.

Pray that:

God will continue to teach this Thai brother about the amazing unconditional love that is available to everyone through Jesus Christ.

God will reveal the worthlessness of trusting in amulets or idols to the Thai people so they can find the spiritual healing that comes when they call out to Jesus.

Pacific Rim is a region of the International Mission Board, SBC.